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re: #shartweek Shat during my interview - I want to make it clear that I did not shit, I sharted. I tried to do my best to control my wild bowels, but it was not entirely my fault. The damn cappuccino was just the straw that broke the camels ass...let me tell you a bit about your so-ed "co-staff members". That one guy, ? Yeah I saw him over at the alternative bar belting out a very moving rendition of "The " in a full-length, cream colored gown and bright red wig. Not that there's anything wrong with that...what made me uncomfortable was that the only thing he managed to say during the entire interview was "I'm not gay" as he slapped me in the face, then he just proceeded to stare at me. Does he even actually work there? Now that I think of it, he didn't arrive with any of you, he just walked over and sat down... from H.R. just would not stop flicking her bean...seriously the entire time under the table, I felt her elbow jabbing me vigorously as she attempted to get off. For her part, her eyes were fixated on you, not that you seemed to notice. You probably didn't notice you were her phone's screensaver, either (regular AND lock screen). I'm not sure why you brought the one-eyed, one-armed, one-legged man from the mail room as he was not a part of the hiring process, but he's cool as hell, so I was glad to have him there. Thing is, he had a flask of moonshine with him and this is what caused my ornery sphincter to paint the town brown that day. Literally, as I jumped up and attempted to run off and find a bathroom, my anus just spewed out poo as if I was a street cleaning machine, and left a layer of loose dukes all up and down the sidewalks and fronts of buildings. By this point I was drunk as fuck and forgot what I was doing, so I just ran around trying to cover as much pavement as I could. The look on your face was duly horrified, but you should know that only started to wank more furiously...I really think you need to have that one evaluated. At any rate I'm available to start Monday. I assure you that I am a highly capable surgeon, I just had a seriously weird day.

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